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by Lev P
Soon it will be two months
And I don't feel anything
And I can see all of it
And its crippling
I’m scared I thought of you
The way my mom felt when the hospital called
I’m scared you saved me more in four months
Than anyone had in my 17 years of living
I know I was a replacement memory
Maybe if we kiss, and we kiss,
And my hands are up your shirt
And yours are on my waist -
There will be enough good
That replacing the miserable
Doesn't feel so impossible
I know this
And it's far from your fault
I know this
But I never got to ask you if I was anything else
Or maybe … the number of times and the way
You were never great
at answering those questions
Didn’t feel like a sufficient yes
But was it more
Did you think I was beautiful
Or maybe… did you lie when you said I was
Did you truly
With your mind and your dreams
Long to go on an expedition
in the woods with me
I never got to feel the fear of asking you
If you love me
In the same way I loved you
I’m scared that you didn't know
And I’m terrified
That you didn't believe
A room with you in it was
Always a better room
When the distracting humor
And the humorous distractions
Were forgotten,
Your heart would get punctured
And I thought I could see it
Maybe even
I could tell you the length of the needle
Or the color of the thumb tack
At any given point
Your true smile
Not the often outline -
The idea of happy
Your true smile,
Was brighter than any beam
Of sunlight
I had bathed under with you
In the unforgiving desserts,
In the summer,
The modest rain
Was more a cause for celebration
Than it ever would have been
Because you had been waiting
And hoping and praying
With me
The down poor
Heavy drops of blue euphoria
we were both finally there
We could leave the maze for a little
Even just for a minute
Not in physicality
Not in a conclusion of freedom
But our minds
Our hearts and our souls
Had joined the clouds in the sky
We could see it all
A just for a minute
Freedom felt less like a myth
Than we had ever imagined
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