Name

A Poem by Jackson DD

My mother’s name is MT

Well, no

Her name is Maria Teressa Davila Delvia

Known to her siblings as Marie T

But that was too hard for the white man

So he called her MT

To this day she still goes by that name

I wonder if it makes her feel empty

Every time she introduces herself

I was named after my great grandmother

The daughter of a slave

When I came out I named myself Jackson

My mother got offended

Not at my gender but at my name

I didn’t understand at the time

I only understand slightly now

And I cry about it as I try to hold my Puerto Rican pride

I’m still called Jackson though

And there is something to be said

For every lost name in my family

On my father’s side I know all about them

That Italian part of me is bold and I know it

But how much do I know from my island

How can I remember family that history did its best to erase

And every lost name leads to me

And my birth name is not mine anymore

Which is nice

But sometimes I feel empty

I am a product of war and injustice

A great grandfather was a police

A good man in an evil system

I wonder what he would have done if he met my name sake

What would his partners do?

A poor hispanic woman fighting for her family

With a wit as quick as a bullet that may have hit her

Would he defend his partner had they shot her

Did my great grandfather say the N word?

I am a failure of a Puerto Rican son

My spanish disobeys me

My skin pales in comparison to my mothers bronze

My hair is too straight

Too light

I am too light

I can go out without fearing the police

I can be kind to the racist kid and feel parts of me dying inside

Staying quiet will only kill me inside

It will not put a bullet in my head or a knee on my neck

My grandmother died in May

She does not know my name

Part of me is grateful

But I want to hold her hand

I want to run up to her and shout “Abu! I’m here, it's me!

“The plane ride was so long!

“How are you?

“Will you go to the beach with us?”

And she was stronger than god

And she hug me tighter than I ever got to appreciate

And her brittle bones wouldn’t flinch

She has the blood of queens stripped of all but their minds and pride

And my mother has her blood

Maria Teressa Davila Delvia

They changed her name to Empty

My white ass name does not deserve a place on the family tree

A tree with branches and leaves like titanium

But I will not stay silent

And I will learn names left to ruins

Names torn from the powerful hands of my ancestors

I will wear them on my sleeves

No longer empty but full

Io prometo